Today, I like my job. The engineers are all being pretty cool, and it looks like no one’s getting fired after all. I never really know what I’m going to think of my job on a given day, but it does seem like the more writing I do outside my day job, the happier I am doing this pay-the-bills work. They seem to balance each other nicely. If I were just working here, I would be bored and feel like I’d given up on the one thing I ever really wanted to do with my life. But if I relied on writing for my income, I’d be depressed because it’s so hard to get things published, and as a newbie, you don’t exactly get your pick of the best assignments.
Last year at residency, I had a big Moment where I realized I was really scared of what might happen if I tried to force writing to be my source of income. I have always loved writing because it’s so… fun? It’s exciting to go out and find things and write about them, but I also get sortof stupidly giddy about words themselves. The worst time of my life was a time when I couldn’t write because I was so emotionally messed up about other things, so it’s important for me not to let that happen again. I do tend to think of writing as my first friend. Obviously, I knew other kids when I was little, but it was always through writing that I could actually figure things out. If I would say out loud half the things I thought, most people would call me crazy, but for some reason, when you write it down, people see you as “deep” rather than “nuts.” So anyway, I don’t want to turn that “first friend” into my biggest burden, you know? I want to get paid for writing, but I also want to keep loving it, so I’m working on finding that happy medium.
So far, my strategy is to keep up the freelancing, but to branch out. I don’t want to write for the same publication forever, mostly because I know they’re not interested in the kind of writing I want to do. I don’t mind writing what they’re looking for, but I don’t quite love it. So, I’ve got more ideas, and I’m trying to develop them and maybe pitch them here and there, although, truth be told, I don’t really know how to pitch anything to a magazine. Any of you Gophers out there know how to do that? I’d love some insight.
In some ways, I feel like I should have figured out all this stuff before graduation, and maybe I’m a little annoyed at my own ignorance and lack of experience. Then again, maybe this is just a reminder that I should expect to continue learning forever, because the more I learn, the more it seems I don’t know.
Today, I am up at the crack of dawn because my doctor wants to explain how my prescription works, and she is not willing to have this conversation over the phone with me. The receptionist who told me I was required to come in before I could get a refill said the doctor thinks I haven’t been getting my refills at the correct times, which makes her think I’ve been using the medication incorrectly. For the record, we’re talking about birth control here. This isn’t the kind of medication you abuse for fun. Anyway, sometimes I pick up the refill a week early or more if I know I’ll be out of town at the time I would usually pick it up. And for that, my punishment is a 7:15 a.m. appointment at the doctor’s office, because I refused to have to be late to work for this.
Update
Not that you wanted to know this much about my medical misadventures, but as long as I started off the day with a rant, I figured I should let you know how things went. Turns out, the receptionist was mistaken. The doctor was not concerned about my using the medicine correctly. Rather, I was due for an appointment back in December, and they could not in good conscience give me a prescription refill without having that follow-up appointment. In my defense, I did call for an appointment in December, but the receptionist apparently misread my chart and told me that I didn’t need to come in until July. Really, I should have known I needed an appointment, but what was I supposed to do? Argue with the receptionist?
Oh well, no harm done. I had my little talk with the doctor to let her know all is well and fulfill her professional requirements. We ended up talking about yoga, and I told her about a story I really want to write about local yoga studios. She thought it was a great idea and told me about a couple studios she’s tried in the area. Then I managed to get to Columbia in time to get coffee before going to the office, so all-in-all, it was a pretty good morning.
I wasn’t sure what to say when I saw that John McCain ad comparing Barack Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Part of me immediately thought it was a very sexist ad, since the McCain campaign chose to compare Obama to the two most notoriously flaky blond women in America. Another part of me thought it was highly insensitive considering that Spears is (in my opinion) a victim of bad parenting and the unrealistic expectations of Disney and Hollywood. (Lets be honest about Disney, it really is just pimp in mouse ears.) Yet another part of me thought the McCain ad was a nasty and desperate swipe considering that, while Obama may be comparatively young, he does actually have some pretty good experience in politics. Keep in mind that GW Bush was just the governor of Texas before becoming president, and really, the governor of Texas is nothing more than a figurehead.
Anyway, I was happy to discover that Paris Hilton herself managed to say all that needed to be said for me. I never thought I’d say this but… Paris Hilton, thanks, hon.
Less than 24 hours after graduation, I was riding in the car with Nimby and wondering what I’m going to do next.
When my dad asked me what I was going to do, I said I wasn’t sure, and he suggested, “Why don’t you get a job at Goucher?” Like it’s that easy. I just laughed because clearly he doesn’t understand the caliber of faculty at Goucher. All of my teachers have been very experienced, highly educated people who have published at least one book, most of them have had more than one. We have a Pulitzer winner, former editors for major publishing houses, a magazine editor, and so on and so on. Being a mentor at Goucher is the kind of job I might hope to be qualified for in another 10 years.
Some of my classmates intend to pursue yet another degree. I overheard someone at graduation saying, “Art education, that’s going to be my next one.” She already has two master’s degrees that I know of. I don’t really want to do another degree. I don’t want to be a student for the rest of my life. Getting this degree was a way to prove to myself that I could do this level of work. Now that I know I can do it, I’d rather not pay someone to let me do the work. Still, it crossed my mind to go to law school like my cousin’s wife did. She’s a nurse, and I guess she decided that wasn’t going to satisfy her. I’d always considered going into law when I was a kid, but truthfully, the legal world is pretty gross to me. Law itself is pretty cool, but being a trial lawyer isn’t even remotely attractive to me, and there is nothing very fun about paperwork. But I asked Nimby anyway, “What would you think if I decided to go to law school?” After making a small request that I find a way to pay off my latest student loans first, he said, “Whatever you want to do, I support you,” which of course, is exactly the right answer.
My boss has given me the phone number of a man who is a veteran of the Vietnam war and might want a writer to help him with some kind of memoirs. I haven’t decided whether to call the man or not, because I realize what a big commitment something like that can be.
Other options? Well, freelancing more. That’s going OK so far. I’m not crazy about the main publication I’ve been working for, but there are other options. Maybe I will just be here long enough to make some connections. And of course, I still have my job with the engineers. I got a raise, and they’ve increased my responsibilities. I could stay on here for a long time if I wanted to, and I still have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it’s good stable work with good people. On the other hand, this is not what I pictured myself doing for the long term.
Meahwhile, I’m hoping to get a book review published somewhere notable, but I don’t want to jinx it. I’m also thinking about ways to revamp the blog so it’s a bit more … professional? I don’t want to lose the randomness that makes it so fun for me. I love having a place online where I can share all those weird things that entertain me, but I would also really like this blog to be a place for people to see what I’m capable of professionally. And I don’t particularly want to start a whole new site, considering that Notitles has been my baby for so long.
Long story short, I’m letting my brain settle. I’m watching to see what rises to the surface and what sinks to the bottom. During the two years of my graduate program, I had lots of ideas that had to be put aside so I could focus on the goal at hand, and now it’s time to see which one of those is next in line.
I hope you didn’t mind us peeking in all your windows this afternoon and letting ourselves into the back yard in what might have been a rather shady fashion. We’re just trying to get a better look. The thing is, I’m not sure you’ve been honest with me. You make a great first impression, but when I look again, I see things that make me wonder what kind of house you really are.
Today someone pointed out that your roof is wavy. Maybe no one has told you this before, but a roof really isn’t supposed to be wavy. It’s possible that this is a minor problem that won’t impede our relationship, but this could really be serious, and I’m just not sure I can be with a house with that kind of issue. Look, I don’t want to judge you unfairly, but before we go any further together, I think we have to get that roof checked out, okay?
Also, can we talk about price? I think maybe you’re expecting a bit much from us. After all, you’re a duplex, which means your (ahem) friend is going to have to be with us all the time, and in that case, you could at least talk to him about that paint job, or the wild front yard or the knick knacks in the window or the ugly curtains. I know you two are close and all, and I wouldn’t (couldn’t) come between you, but I think we need to make some compromises. I hope we can work this out.
Last night was a big night for me. Since my first residency at Goucher, I’ve listened to the graduating students read from their finished manuscripts, and I’ve thought about what I would read, who I would thank, how it would feel to be up there in front of all my peers and mentors. It was not unlike when I was a little kid preparing for my first dance recital, imagining how it would feel to be on stage for the first time, practically famous at six — in my mind at least.
When it was my turn to read, I was nervous, and couldn’t think of what to say. I thanked my teachers in the few words I could muster. I’d chosen to read an essay that had evolved quite a bit over the past 2 years — from something I didn’t talk about at all, to an awkward confessional type essay, to something that managed to be both funny and sincere. I don’t want to be vain, but I was actually very happy with the way the whole thing went. At one point, I had to stop reading because the whole audience was laughing — someone even snorted. You know you’re doing well when someone in the audience snorts.
After the reading, everyone was so nice. Several of my classmates and teachers complimented me on the essay, and the people I shared our wedding photos with commented on how nice they were. One of my teachers said she was actually sitting at her computer at home with tears running down her face. How sweet is that?
But you know, while I was very happy with my own work, I was also reminded of just how talented my classmates are and how lucky I am to know these people. Every last one of them has an amazing level of expertise in his or her own area. My friend Kim read a beautiful piece about giving birth to her son and how much he has taught her. It wasn’t the usual sappy mommy stuff because it also included the scarier aspects of motherhood. When she said her son was blue when he was born, everyone held their breath, and when she described hearing him cry for the first time, we all laughed with relief. I think even those of us who are none too eager to become parents felt like parenthood really is a wonderful thing after hearing Kim read.
Another classmate, Jill, does this strange magic trick where she combines deep scientific research with dream-like lyricism, and uses the mating habits of honey bees (!) to come to terms with her own inability to have children. I know several people who have struggled in their attempts to become pregnant, and I’ve come to understand how demoralizing it can be when a couple is ready and willing to be great parents and nature thwarts them. It can really be heartbreaking, but Jill put it in this beautiful way that made it seem like, well, like everything is going to be ok, one way or another.
One classmate who will graduate next year told me she thinks the senior readings this year were better than last. Interestingly, I said the same thing last year. I honestly believe the Goucher program is just getting better every year. There will likely come a time when you say, “I went to Goucher,” and people go, “Oooh, that’s where so-and-so went to school!” Or at least I hope so. I know so many of my classmates are extraordinarily talented, and they certainly deserve success. I can’t wait to tell people “I knew her when…”
Where are you? We’re so ready. We’re so tired of renting. I feel like if we don’t buy now, the market will go up and up in the next couple years, and it seems like prices climb faster than my income does. Not to mention, I’ve gotten my hopes up. I finally decided I was ready for this, and we found a great place, got approved for a loan and everything, and then we realized the monthly payments were rather unrealistic. It’s such a roller coaster, and not in a fun way.
We don’t mind putting in some work on a place, as long as it doesn’t require a major structural overhaul. I want a place with good storage and an open floor plan. Also, a kitchen that’s open to the livingroom would be nice for when we have people over.
I feel like you’ve got to be out there somewhere. I’m hoping prices have not yet hit rock bottom, not quite yet. I’m going to keep looking. You should make an effort to make yourself known. Thanks.
So you know what’s really super fun? Applying for a mortgage!
NOT!
Yeah, um… applying for a mortgage has caused me to regress to my pre-teen sense of humor. Sorry about that. This is more stressful than I realized before. Every ten minutes or so, there’s a major change that makes me totally reverse my predictions on what comes next.
We found a house we loved, and we applied for the loan (yeah, I know you’re supposed to apply first, then shop, but we didn’t really expect to love this house so much). So, I went through multiple cycles of “we’re going to get approved for sure” and “omg they’ll never give us that amount of money.” Then we got approved, and I had a brief moment of, “OMG WE ARE TOTALLY GETTING THIS HOUSE.” But then we sat down and talked numbers and realized that, while we could afford the monthly payments, we’d be very pinched with the rest of our budget, so then I thought, “I’m never going to get a house, and god hates me.”
But then we thought of other options, which I will not discuss at this moment for fear of jinxing it. But I think we have some possible options that would allow us to afford this house and still eat regular meals. Still, part of me is screaming, “But what if it doesn’t work?! Then we will be dooooomed.”
So, I started pestering Nimby about all the other places we’ve seen so far and frantically searching online for homes that are at least $10k cheaper than the one we are currently considering. Magically, it seems that all the homes in that price range either are crappy places we’d never dream of living or sold the moment we fell in love with this other house. Then I decided Nimby was secretly against me getting the house I want because there is one townhouse I like that he doesn’t really like, and it’s really as simple as that, but when my brain goes into panic mode, everything is a Big Deal, and nothing is simple. Right? Still with me?
Ok, so anyway, now we’re approved for a loan that we’re not sure we should accept, and realistically, I think it’s a good thing that we can go, “Yeah, according to the bank, we can afford this, but are we willing to make the sacrifices required to do so?” That’s a mature thing to ask yourself, isn’t it? It’s just that I don’t like being mature sometimes. I’d really rather just have the house. But in the interest of preserving this fledgling marriage and not ending up homeless six months from now, I’m going to be patient. I will wait and see what happens in the next, oh… 24 hours? Meanwhile, please just pray that I don’t die of an aneurysm.
Oh man guys, there is a lot going on lately. First of all, we might be buying a house. That’s huge, right? We’ve been looking for well over a year now, waiting for prices to come down and struggling to find something we both liked that was in our price range. Well, things have started to look much better for home buying in our area lately. One place that was listed for over $300k last year is now under $200. Amazing right? Well, we went to see the place, and it was ridiculously small, and we started to understand just how inflated prices had been to start with. This house was actually smaller than our apartment. No thanks.
But we did find a place we really liked, so now we’re working on the loan to see if we can get it. Yes, I realize you’re supposed to get pre-approved, but since we were approved for a loan six months ago, we just started out thinking we’d look in the range we already knew we could afford. We didn’t expect to find something we loved quite so quickly, so now we have to get the approval again, since it’s only good for something like 30 days. Right now, we feel pretty confident that we can get this house, but cross your fingers for us.
Meanwhile, I’ve changed my name and ordered a copy of my birth certificate, and tomorrow I’m going to file my application for a passport. More on that later.
Finally, my graduation from Goucher is this weekend. My parents are coming to town Thursday afternoon, and I’m excited about seeing them. I’m not particularly pumped about the graduation ceremony itself, but that’s because I hate graduations in general. I’ll be giving a short reading from my manuscript at the school on Thursday night, and I’m pretty nervous about that. We’re limited to four pages, so I can’t read any of the pieces that I think are better, which are mostly 7-10 pages long.
Oh, and I’ve got another story for Metromix coming through in a day or so, and a third assignment due to them a week or so from now, followed by a review that may end up getting published somewhere very cool, if I’m lucky.
So, as you can see, lots and lots of things going on. And I have to finish this post and scamper off before more things happen. Wish me luck!
This one time, at a bar back home, I ran into two guys who had been friends with my brother in high school. I had a kindof ridiculous crush on one of them back in the day, which was odd because he wasn’t that cute or anything, but he was cool and he was older, and when you’re 14, that carries a lot of weight. Anyway, we’ll call him Guy A.
So, at the bar, Guy B is like “Yeah, Guy A used to always talk about how hot the thought you were,” or something like that. It was super awkward because at the time he said this, I had just become engaged. So, I was flattered, but also totally not interested. So, I said something equally awkward like, “That’s really nice, but I really don’t wanna know … you fucking pedophile.” (Dudes, I’m sorry. It seemed like a good idea at the time… in the bar…)
I was totally joking, and I was actually flattered, but I’m pretty sure that guy will never ever talk to me again. Oops.